Whatever I Want (Whatever that is)

I have a tendency of liking guys who are faintly aloof when it comes to expressing their emotions, which is strange considering I’m pretty much the opposite of that. In my last relationship, this was our biggest problem. (That, coupled with his inability to commit due to his infantile distaste for stability and responsibility.) So when that was over I decided that it would be really nice to be with someone who gave a shit and let me know he gave a shit. Someone who praised me for my awesomeness.

For quite a while I wondered if I wasn’t as awesome as I had thought. For a long time I was really self conscious and had low self esteem, and even now I have my off days. But for the most part, I think I’m awesome and I wondered why, unlike many of my friends, I’ve never had the super devoted dude. I had been warned by a friend, however, that in reality the situation is not as appealing as I had made it out to be.



So after emotionally stunted hippie boy, I hooked up with a friend who I had known for years. My friends thought he was perfect for me. He thought I was awesome for all the ways I think I deserved to be admired. He loved what I loved. He craved my attention consistently... constantly.

But the more he wanted me the less I wanted him. He liked me too much. My friend suggested I was fucked up because I was missing my ex, who was a jerk, and my feelings for this new guy were fizzling out even though he was perfect. Now, I’m not trying to say this guy was desperate or anything, he was just really into me. I guess I can’t blame him. But still, I wonder, what’s wrong with me that I got what I wanted but I ended up not wanting it anyway?

My friend was right when she said that the concept is good in theory. It’s strange how two people can fall so intensely for each other right off the bat and everything is awesome. But what if only one person falls, and the other has no idea that the feeling isn’t mutual? That’s a scary thought, especially for someone like me who falls fast and hard.